I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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