You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
