I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
