genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
