the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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