I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
