I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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