i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
