the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I need to align my fucking chakras
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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