If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
