you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
