i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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