dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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