dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
