True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
