I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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