First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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