Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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