dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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