Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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