I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
