Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
BRING THE BAGELS
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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