I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
