Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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