i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
