She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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