I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
