So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
