my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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