the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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