God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
