even my farts smell like vagina
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
