I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
