I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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