Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
