she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
