you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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