She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
