she was so not down for the gang bang
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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