Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
