I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
