oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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