where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
