Only a mothe r could love this liver
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
