So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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