I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Please, let me fuck your mom
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
