Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
