I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
