I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
