I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
